They Said They’re Trans. Now What?

By Guest Writer Maria Keffler, author of Desist, Detrans & Detox: Getting Your Child Out of the Gender Cult  (Sophia Institute Press)

A friend reached out to me recently to ask if her teenage daughter, Mandy, could get some advice. Mandy’s older stepbrother announced that he was transgender (meaning he identifies as a woman) and wanted everyone to use she/her pronouns and call him “Susan” instead of his given name.

 “So, Erik just texted me after two years of not answering my texts. Here’s what he said.”

Hey Mandy. Any chance you’ve had a change of heart? Because I miss you too. I just can’t put myself through talking to someone who doesn’t respect a core part of who I am.

Mandy told me, “I would really love to have a relationship with him, but I don’t know how to respond.”

Adopting a transgender identity challenges every relationship in a person’s life. Gender ideology demands not only unquestioning acceptance of its claims, but also active participation in and celebration of things many people find illogical and harmful. For those of us who do not believe that one can be born in the wrong body, interacting with members of this identity cult can feel like navigating a minefield surrounded by people lobbing grenades.

Love & Truth

The Bible instructs us to hold to the truth with love at all times (Ephesians 4:15). Given that gender ideology drills into its followers that anyone who disagrees with you hates you, Christians must speak and behave with love while upholding truth.

I asked Mandy what she wanted to say to her brother.

I want to tell him that I have always loved him no matter what and that I miss him so much. I have accepted what he believes and I love him no matter what, but why can’t he accept me for what I believe in and love me no matter what?

“Send that,” I told her.

Mandy did exactly what she should: she spoke truth, letting Erik know that while she did not agree with his beliefs, she loved him and wanted to be in relationship. She also challenged his one-sided demand for capitulation, gently uncovering the hypocrisy of expecting from others what one is not willing to give in return.

Erik responded to Mandy with a thought-stopping device and manipulation tactic, which is typical in this situation.

I can accept what you believe up until the point it becomes discriminatory or hateful.

Beliefs & Boundaries

Calling disagreement discrimination is a key part of deflecting truth and putting the other person on the defensive. This thought-stopping device is also a logical fallacy called ad hominem (“attack the man”), which manipulates people into defending themselves rather than addressing the issue: “I’m not a hateful bigot! Look at all the ways I’m a good person.”

The trans-identified person has beliefs to which he is entitled, but you also have beliefs to which you are equally entitled. To avoid becoming embroiled in an argument about who is good/right and who is wrong/bad, it may be best to ignore thought-stopping devices and logical fallacies by keeping the conversation focused on the issue: “I love you and I want to be in relationship with you even though we might not agree about everything.”

Try to avoid hot-button words like third-person pronouns and gendered language: for example, refer to trans-identified people by their names instead of using pronouns, and say “sibling” instead of “brother” or “sister.” While avoiding contentious terms isn’t always possible, the English language is flexible enough that creative solutions can often be found to keep the peace while upholding your integrity.

Set boundaries around what you will and will not do or discuss. When accused of offending her trans-identified child by not using the preferred pronouns, one parent said, “You’re asking me to do something I don’t believe God agrees with. If I have to choose between offending God and offending you, I’m afraid I’m going to have to choose to offend you.”

Take Control of the Conversation

Don’t let a person who throws slurs, thought-stopping slogans, and fallacies at you lead the discussion. Ignore attempts to manipulate you into becoming defensive, and move the exchange where you want it to go:

• “Hey, I wanted to ask how that big project you were working on turned out.”
• “Can I take a few minutes to update you on the family? There have been some big changes.”
• “There’s this thing I’m struggling with at work, and I think you might have some good insights. Can I use you as a sounding board?”

Gender ideology insists that everything in a follower’s life revolves around sex and gender. But the transgender persona is not the only facet of this person’s life. In fact, reminding a trans-identified person who he or she was prior to adopting this identity is a deprogramming strategy used to lead cult members back to reality.

• “Remember when our team won the state soccer championship? That was amazing.”
• “Our sister Ellie is pregnant. She hoped you might paint something for the baby’s room. You’ve always been such an incredible artist.”
• “We haven’t played chess in years. Want to set up a virtual game?”

Mandy re-established a connection with her stepbrother, which helped to defeat the lie that anyone who disagrees with him hates him. People who have desisted from transgender identification often say how much they appreciate friends and family members who did not affirm the lie that they were really trans: “Everyone else in my life lied to me about this, but you did not.”

As you interact with truth and love, maintaining your boundaries and keeping the conversation off the topic of gender ideology as much as you can, remember that your goal is to stay in relationship and help this person you care about come back to health and reality. Your work to maintain the relationship may be what saves someone from a lifetime of regret.

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

Author Bio: Maria Keffler

Maria Keffler is a co-founder of Advocates Protecting Children and the Arlington Parent Coalition (Virginia). An author, speaker, and teacher with a background in educational psychology, Mrs. Keffler has fought to support families and protect children from unethical activism and dangerous policies around sexuality and transgender ideology since 2018. She is the author of multiple books, including Desist, Detrans & Detox: Getting Your Child Out of the Gender Cult (Sophia Institute Press). Mrs. Keffler lives in Arlington, Virginia (USA). She and her husband have three young adult and teenage children.