Simple Steps to a Stronger Marriage

We are grateful to share an excerpt from Dr. Ray Guarendi’s book “Simple Steps to a Stronger Marriage” published by Sophia Institute Press.

Over decades of working with families, I’ve learned that I can’t always understand parents and kids without understanding spouses. Sometimes good parent counseling starts with good marriage counseling.

I have also learned that counseling often ends up in a place different from where it started. New discoveries can shift the direction dramatically. Not only is the client surprised by this; the therapist is too. Or, put another way, what we all first thought the trouble was may not really be what the trouble is.

Parents tell me about a range of discipline struggles: A sixteen-year-old spiraling out of control, a thirteen-year-old arguing with every other breath, a ten-year-old who “just won’t listen,” a seven-year-old single-handedly launching his teacher into retirement, a four-year-old throwing fiery fits that set off the sprinkler system — in another building.

Whatever the initial complaint — a frustrating child, a frustrated parent, a poor discipline style — it often becomes apparent that the core issue is not in the parenting but in the marriage. It lies not in how a big person is getting along with a littler person; it lies in how the two big people are getting along. Parenting struggles point to marital struggles. The husband-wife relationship reveals a lot of dissatisfaction unrelated to the original parent-child relationship.

The “presenting problem,” as it’s called, may be young Conan’s obsession with computer games, which are shooting down his grades. Within two visits, though, Dad admits to buying the games, to seeing no problem with them, and to disagreeing with Mom’s whole discipline approach. Further, he considers her too controlling, not only of all things electronic but of their other two children and, most of all, him. As it turns out, his gaming stance reflects an emotional alliance with his son that has grown through the years, to the detriment of his relationship with his wife.

What would be a first-line solution — limit or eliminate game time — becomes futile in the context of the conflicted marriage. Parent therapy must now include marital therapy.

Choosing the Right Focus

Parents will give me a litany of complaints about their child: Polly talks back, can out-argue a trial lawyer, erupts with the slightest emotional bump, and is the sole reason her nine-year-old brother wants to move out. The picture has been years in developing; now it appears to be an intricate mosaic of discipline bewilderment: “Where do we even begin? And how?” lament Mom and Dad. 

Although their family life looks chaotic, improvement can quickly start with the simplest of ideas. For example, if Polly is young, I might advise corner time at the first gesture of defiance. If she’s older, I might suggest a several-hundred-word essay for any form of disrespect. As backup, no privileges will begin until the discipline is cooperatively served. 

Nothing fancy. Just a few elementary discipline adjustments. How could something so basic soothe matters, especially given the seeming complexities of the discipline brew? 

In fact, frequently they do. At the next session, the parent will express surprise at the noticeable improvement in conduct and attitude, even with formerly “really stubborn” defiance. Sometimes ttrouble spots not yet addressed, such as sibling quibbling or homework hassles, too, tone down. How does all this happen? How do such minor moves cause major benefits?

Call it the “cascade effect.” The changes, however modest, set in motion a positive chain reaction. Parents now use the corner instead of nagging or yelling. Polly learns that Mom and Dad mean what they say; thus, she argues less. With less arguing comes more goodwill. Polly is more settled and tries harder to please. Mom and Dad feel softer toward this once exasperating youngster, and so, while firmer, they become kinder. As a result, Polly spends less time in the corner and more time free from discipline. Everyone’s mood lifts as daily agitation drops.

Granted, incorporating small changes into a permanent style takes time, but meanwhile, the family’s downward momentum has been arrested and reversed. The discord, which had seemed intractable was unexpectedly responsive to some relatively easy changes. Small changes can bring big effects.

The field of medicine provides plenty of examples. Two aspirin will alleviate a headache along with neck stiffness, visual sensitivity, nausea, and fatigue. Antibiotics for an abscessed tooth will cure a cluster of bodily symptoms — fever, joint pain, muscle aches, lethargy, loss of appetite.

Psychiatry, too, confirms this. Depression, with all its signs — blue mood, social apathy, decreased appetite, poor sleep, self-deprecation, and lack of energy — can lift with only a regular exercise regimen, a very straightforward regimen.

No “Secret Keys” to a Happy Marriage

In unhappy marriages, the puzzle often looks unsolvable: Communication is edgy, intimacy is long gone, disagreements are every day, and arguments turn molehills into mountains. How in the world does one begin to unravel this puzzling knot?

To be sure, some marriages are seriously disturbed. They are plagued by major psychiatric disorders, spousal or child abuse, infidelity, alcohol or substance abuse. Overall, though, most struggling unions are not marked by severe pathologies. They are more accurately termed “daily discontented.” Overall, husband and wife want their marriage to work. Once they loved each other with more fervor, but their problems mounted over time, as they drifted apart or as life brought more stressors.

Routinely, I’ve seen marriages, no matter how seemingly near the edge of no return, not only pull back from that edge but also heal and return to intimacy. Are they the exception? Not at all. Almost everyone knows of marriages at one time unpleasant, unfulfilling, and inching closer to divorce. Yet somehow they rose from the grave and are actually coming more alive with each year. According to one survey, when couples contemplating separation who nevertheless stayed together were asked five years later about their relationship, percent reported it much improved.1  

How do weak marriages get stronger? Therapy? Medication? Marriage Encounter weekends? Spiritual guidance? Some. But many resolve to get stronger on their own. They try to figure out what went wrong, what’s still going wrong, and how to remedy it.

Asking them about their success, you won’t hear the titles of self-help books, their marital “secrets,” or their “proven” paths to marital fulfillment. In other words, you won’t hear ideas known only to a select, enlightened few. You’ll hear how two people, sometimes only one, determined to make small corrections in attitude and action, with noticeable payoffs.

Author Bio – Dr. Ray Guarendi

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist, author, professional speaker, and national radio and television host. His radio show, “The Dr. Is In,” can be heard on over 440 stations and Sirius XM Channel 130. His TV show, “Living Right with Dr. Ray,” can be seen on EWTN Global Catholic Network and is aired in 140 countries.