Thoughts on Cohabitation — Minimizing Money and Maximizing Morals

I can’t wait until Camilla and I are married… because she will finally stop paying rent, come live with me, and we’ll be able to combine our income! Oh, and of course, you know.. because she’s the best and I love her so much 🙂

Ahem — In all seriousness, this is both a financial topic, as well as a faith topic, so I figured I’d write about it. As Catholics, Camilla and I intentionally stay with traditional teachings, and resist the allure of cohabitation before marriage. This is very much going against the grain of how our society has evolved. After all, so many Catholics and Christians we know and love cohabited before they got married. I can say with near-certainty that finances and rent money was a big part of their decision.

To me, there are a few big reasons why people might cohabit. Let’s take a broad look at some common reasons why people cohabit before marriage:

1) They use it as a Testing Period — “Let’s just see how this works out before we really commit.”

2) They think about the practical Financial Benefits — “We can save a lot of money by moving in together and splitting the costs.”

3) It increases Convenience — “We’ll save a lot of time without having to travel to see one another.”

4) There’s a level of Sexual Attraction — “It’s natural to live with one another and love one another physically the way we love each other emotionally.”

Since we’re a Faith and Financial Independence blog, I figured I’d bring up the intersection of cohabiting, faith, and finances because it’s crossed my mind too many times to count. The “numbers guy” in me wishes Camilla could just live with me in my house in a separate bedroom (after all, it’s how we manage if she ever needs to sleep at my house), but the “good Catholic” in me knows better. At the very least, it would just be frowned upon — BUT — at the very most, she could lose her job at the church she works at.

Between the time that Camilla and I got engaged and when we’ll be getting married next year, we could have saved about $9,000 by living together. It would have been the easier thing to do. We can think about PLENTY of things to spend that money on (not to mention saving up for our wedding) but in our eyes, it’s not the RIGHT thing to do.

We are called to do be great disciples and uphold the teachings of the church. If this isn’t a lesson in being true to our faith, I don’t know what is. We are meant to know various levels of suffering in our lives. Think about it — being away from the person you love most, having to spend extra money for housing, having to go back and forth between locations, and much more. It’s not easy, that’s for sure, but being good disciples of Jesus has rarely ever been easy. If you think about it, this is likely one of the lowest levels of suffering a couple has to endure throughout their lifetime, so why not use it as an opportunity to grow in faith?

But… Is it a sin to live together? It’s a little complicated — It is a sin of scandal. You can read about the ideas here in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. It has a lot to do with the assumptions made by others. People might assume that Camilla and I were sleeping together and as people who live our faith publicly, they might think our example is okay. This can be especially misleading to young children — nieces/nephews, children of friends, and others who look up to us — who are impressionable and whose moral reasoning is immature. Camilla and I volunteer with her church to facilitate small groups. We want to live our lives as good examples. As we try to get better and do good, we want others to do as we do. If we’re doing things wrong, we expect others to help us do better.

The vast majority of Christians understand that the act of living under the same roof as your future spouse is not a sin in and of itself. However, it is also understood that living together can lead to sin — specifically, premarital sex. The goal is to keep one another pure and holy. To do that, it is best to avoid the near occasion altogether.

I’ve accepted that the price we’re paying to live apart from one another is a necessity. Yes, it’s a NEED. We hope that our example encourages you to think about why it’s okay to go this route. If you and your partner are considering cohabiting before marriage, or your children are considering this with their partners, please think again. We are often challenged to do the “harder” thing in life because it’s worth it. In most cases, the harder thing (often associated with delayed gratification) is the better thing.

With choices like this, I am reminded of the fact that the reasons we do things are often more important than the things we do.

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Originally published at Faith & Financial Independence.
Photo: Soroush Karimi, Unsplash / PD-US.