We are pleased to share a few excerpts from Dr. Ray Guarendi’s book Standing Strong published by Sophia Institute Press.
“When are you going to write a book about teenagers?” This is a question I’ve heard from parents for years with more than a touch of exasperation. As a father of ten children, six of them at one time teenagers, I can personally relate.
Indeed, the question reflects a certain level of struggle common to guiding and disciplining kids as they move through adolescence. Perhaps no other time of parenthood is so intense in its highs and lows, its frustrations and rewards, its sense of vulnerability and satisfaction.
Questions on discipline, setting limits, and supervision are far and away the ones I most receive from parents. The specifics change but not the essence: How can I be a stronger parent? What can I do to be more consistent? How closely do I supervise? Can I be too strict? How do I get more cooperation? More respect? A better attitude?
A common scenario occurs in my office. A parent will detail a litany of long-time unruly behavior from a teen but then add, “I think I’m giving you the wrong impression. Overall, he’s a pretty good kid.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, he’s not on drugs or anything like that. He doesn’t give me the trouble some other parents are getting from their kids. I guess I should be grateful.”
I ask, “What kind of adult do you want looking back at you at age twenty-two? How would you like to describe him? If you’re satisfied to say, ‘We’ve had our share of bad times, but he is finally starting to grow up,’ you can parent like the crowd. Most parents don’t raise seriously troubled kids who become seriously troubled adults.
“Or would you prefer to say, ‘I’m not really objective, but he is a one-in-a-hundred kid. Morals, character, maturity, compassion—he is a beautiful human being’? Are you ready, then, to be a one-in-a-hundred parent? You will love, teach, and supervise well above most. You will discipline when other parents are lax. You will stand strong when many parents yield. You will teach standards that are exceptional. And, in the end, your children will most benefit.”
This book is aimed at helping you raise someone who, at age twenty-two, will be seen by others, who are more objective than you, as a one-in-a-hundred young adult.
Every age has its own persona, and the teen years have a pretty negative one in the majority of folks’ eyes. Put me in the minority. I think that teens get a bad rap. Sure, they can be argumentative, surly, and unappreciative at times—some might even say these are their better qualities. The real nature of the teen beast, though, is full of life, enthusiasm, energy, and laughter.
It’s up to us parents to bring out our kids’ natural best and not permit the worst to rule. Then we can honestly say to others’ shock, “I really like these teen years.”
Dear Dr. Ray,
I have three children, ages nine to twelve. If I hear one more time, “Enjoy them now. Soon they’ll be teenagers,” I think I’ll scream. Are the teen years really all that unpleasant?
Bracing for What?
If you polled a thousand parents, most would tag the teen years as the toughest, whether from personal or others’ experience. If you took the same poll a hundred years ago, no doubt the numbers would look quite different. Isn’t fourteen years old now the same as fourteen years old then? Have kids changed that much in just a few generations?
Yes and no. Physically, adolescence is a time of dramatic change. Hormones surge, bodies stretch, and kids want to be more grown-up than is good for them. So in that sense, yes, the typical teen pushes harder than the typical littler kid, sometimes with a relentless obnoxiousness new to the parent’s experience. That acknowledged, my impression, stronger the longer I am a psychologist, is that modern-day teen turbulence is more cultural than developmental. . . .
In the past few generations, the lifestyle of the typical child has evolved into a fast-paced go-go, get-get, do-do, have-have. As kids move into adolescence, what they want to try, do, and possess spirals upward dramatically. Such is a recipe for family friction. The more stuff and perks a child sees as a given for growing up, the more “teenlike,” if you will, he becomes if he doesn’t get it. If a parent tries to slow the pace, especially more so than other parents are doing, discontent or surliness can follow.
Granted, this is only one factor of many different from raising kids a hundred years ago. But it’s a potent one, more so than modern parents realize. Therefore, to better enjoy your kids as the teen years come and go, here are a few basics:
- Give them less materially—sometimes far less—than you are able or than their peers get. Character is better shaped by less than by more.
- Don’t use their peers or their peers’ parents as a guide to “normal” teen freedoms. The average teen with the average parents has too much freedom too early.
- Always ask: Will this help or hurt my child’s moral development? Err on the safe side.
- Brace yourself for resistance and questioning. To teens “out of the norm” most often means “wrong,” even when out of the norm is better than the norm.
So can you expect to enjoy the teen years, or will you have to endure them? Believe it or not, high standards will make not only for great adults someday but also for more pleasant kids along the way.
Author Bio: Dr. Ray Guarendi
Dr. Ray is a Catholic father of ten, clinical psychologist, author, professional speaker, and national radio & television host. His radio show, “The Dr. Is In” can be heard on over 440 stations and SiriusXM® channel 130. His EWTN television series, “Living Right With Dr. Ray” is aired in 140 countries. Dr. Ray has given over 3,000 talks on various topics including parenting, marriage, family and the Catholic faith. He captivates audiences with his compelling humor-laced presentations providing practical advice and proven techniques.
