“Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot.”
~ Joni Mitchell
I have to admit I didn’t become a fan of this classic song till Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton recorded it while I was in high school. I listened to it because I was a huge fan of Vanessa Carlton at the time. The song was one where you could hear the words and know the meaning, but had a deep subconscious thought that you would understand better later on. And here I am over 20 years later when the lyrics of the song suddenly re-entered my mind.
I am on the verge of another birthday, and once again thinking about what my life is not. This past week I was stripped of the one important goal I’ve been clinging to for dear life since I was first diagnosed with diabetes. I am still unable to express it in words, but suffice it to say I must endure another birthday lacking any hope for the future. All I have left are the words of this song echoing in my head — “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”
This is so true in my case; I didn’t know what I had and now it is gone. The song continues: “they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.” The world in which I live now is unlike anything I could ever have imagined while growing up. People in this world not only paved over paradise, but actively chose the parking lot over paradise. Perhaps (like me) they didn’t know what they had either. This modern world has been consumed by lies, and its inhabitants believed the decisions they made were for the greater good, only to discover they had been led astray. Now it appears to be too late. Paradise is gone and all they have left is a vast, barren parking lot.
I have always been told that “the darkest hour is just before dawn.” Usually this phrase has sparked some form of hope deep within me. I feel as though I am standing on the edge of a cliff where I can look behind me and see my life up to this point. It’s been a truly wonderful life filled with ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and especially love. My entire life was built on lessons God has been orchestrating to lead me to this moment. My birthday will begin my “Jesus” year, a term I had never heard before now. Apparently, your 33rd birthday is your Jesus year, because that was the year Jesus started His public ministry.
Looking back, I see my life and I did not know what I had. It was close to paradise, and now it is gone. I don’t even have a parking lot! I wonder if Jesus had an experience like this — finding Himself alone and looking for answers till He found His Father. His Father told Him:
You are my Son with Whom I am well pleased.
When I truly give up everything, God is left. It sounds somewhat convoluted, but when I reached this point where I feel as though I have nothing left, all hope is gone and I could almost wish for death, my story begins again. This is when, like Jesus, I choose to follow my Father and jump off the cliff into the great unknown.
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Originally published at Kitty in the City.
Photo: Gwendal Cottin, Unsplash / PD-US
