Experiencing God’s Guidance in Times of Uncertainty

The feeling remains that God is on the journey, too.
~ Saint Teresa of Ávila

I would like to share my personal experience of how God gave me a multitude of opportunities to grow my trust in Him and deepen my faith as I was recently at the crossroads of choosing my career path.

More importantly, this period was one where I felt God speaking to me through the people around me and events that unfolded before my eyes. I have penned down these blessings bestowed upon me by God through the seven signs in sequential manner.

A change in one’s career will undoubtedly conjure up fears of anxiety, uncertainty and requires a leap of faith into the unknown plagued with a myriad of challenges. Nevertheless, in my case, God was gentle and patient as He stood by my side.

Please note that this is not a formal guide to discern God’s will. At this stage, I may not have the capacity to write deep complex issues; instead, I would like to recommend a book on discernment titled Discerning the Will of God (The Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making) by Fr Timothy M. Gallagher, O.M.V.

It all began a few months ago: I applied for a prison officer career with the Singapore Prison Service and received instructions to proceed to the Changi Prison Headquarters for a psychometric test.

Around two weeks later, to my dismay, I received a rejection email notifying me of the unsuccessful application outcome. I thanked God for the experience but deep inside, it stirred some worry within me as the rejection felt like a door of opportunity closed upon me.

Despite that, I tried to carry on with my routine and focused on my tasks in my current job. However, each night before I closed my eyes to sleep, I spoke to God, pouring out my fear, worries, and concerns about the struggle of upgrading my career and education.

During this phase, I relied upon one of my favorite spiritual books, written by Saint Josemaría, titled The Forge. In it, I came across a quote that resonated with the circumstances I was going through. It taught me how to pray for clarity so that I could expel the worries from my heart and transform them into sowing the deeper roots of trust in God:

Place yourself before the Lord each day and tell Him slowly and in all earnestness, like the man in the Gospel who was in such great need, Domine, ut videam! — Lord, that I may see!; that I may see what You expect from me, and struggle to be faithful to You.

This ignited the courage to start searching for another career opportunity. Nearing the end of October, my wise counselor shared with me a Professional Conversion Programme (PCP), targeted at mid-career switchers like myself, to undergo training of skills and successfully move into new occupations or promising sectors with good prospects for growth.

He gently recommended me to consider a career in nursing. “Nursing? Am I fit for nursing?”, I questioned myself. I then lifted my concerns to God in the silence of my heart — I asked Him for guidance if I was treading on the ‘right’ path and if possible, to reveal signs along the way to cement my belief.

First sign

The application period for the PCP Nursing opened from 1 September to 30 October. However, as I came to know of this program through my counselor on 28th October and having to deal with the weariness faced after 12 hours of shift work in my current job, it was only on 1 November that I could sit myself down and read through the details. Dang, I knew I missed the timeline given to register! At that moment, I felt God spoke to me in the silence of my heart, saying,

‘’With Me, there is always an opportunity and hope!
Cast your net into the deep sea! Time for a catch! Follow My lead!”

I listened and trusted that voice of hope and sent an application email to the PCP administrator, albeit knowing that the deadline had passed. To my surprise, within the same day, I received a response from the administrator offering me another opportunity to register for the program, under an exceptional case.

They provided me with a stipulated submission time frame from 4.00 pm to 4.30 pm to submit the relevant documents. Without delay, I scrambled to gather the documents (résumé, qualifications, and certificates) and uploaded the complete set of documents.

Second sign

Three days later, a glimmer of hope arrived in my inbox. The nursing application panel was ready to take me to the next steps of the application process: an interview. I engaged the help of my counselor and together we discussed possible questions that the panel might ask and crafted my responses.

To make sure I understood what nursing was about, I screened through YouTube videos, spoke to a friend who is currently a nurse, trawled through the Straits Times paper, Today paper, Ministry of Health website, health journals like SAGE and Singapore Nursing journals to study the different types of healthcare services and facilities in the healthcare sector, and the latest healthcare challenges in Singapore’s healthcare landscape.

I even dug up news articles that shared opinion pieces on the routine of a nurse’s day-to-day job. Strangely, even though I had put in efforts to cover all grounds for information, I was still anxious and afraid that something was lacking in my research. I told God that I was not omniscient like Him and it was time to let go and place my trust in Him.

On the day before the interview, I wrote a prayer to God and placed it at the crucifix on my study table. I wrote:

“Loving Jesus, I am at the crossroads of choosing a career. Please show me the way. To be honest, I don’t know what to do with my life sometimes! I know I want to serve people and talk about You to them, but I don’t know what is my specific calling. What is Your will for me? How can I live my life according to Your will? Life is not mine. Life belongs to You. It is a gift and I want to use this gift to serve people and bring glory to You. I want to please You.

While time is on my side, I want to help people. I want to give hope to people. I will only move when You move. I will only step out of the boat upon  hearing your voice across the raging sea. I want to face challenges and overcome them together with you. I do not belong to myself. I belong to You. You are my Good Shepherd and I am your sheep. Guide me in the wilderness.”

I looked towards and meditated on Saint Josemaría’s writings, which inspired me to be confident for the nursing interview —

“If you feel for whatever reason that you cannot manage, abandon yourself in God, telling Him: Lord, I trust in You, I abandon myself in You, but do help me in my weakness!”

Third sign

The actual day of the nursing interview arrived and by God’s grace, I displayed confidence and answered thoroughly the interviewer’s questions. This owed to the detailed preparation which helped a lot in my interview. Above it all, I knew it was through the opportunity of struggling with the inner fears that helped me to deepen my trust in God.

After the interview, I was informed that I had to wait till mid-December 2020 for the interview outcome. During which time, I reapplied for a position with the police force, which I had applied twice before and both applications were unsuccessful. My best take for the rejection was that my BMI is in the unhealthy range although having passed my physical fitness test. Nonetheless, I went ahead to re-apply for Police Force the third time. Who knows, third time’s a charm?

My counselor was of the view that it is possible for me to face another rejection from the police force based on the previous two unsuccessful tries and advised that it would be practical for me to cast the net further out into the vast sea, in other words, be open to other possible career paths. I recalled the phrases he emphasized: ‘Pray for wisdom’ and ‘Take the good offer that is on the plate seriously’.

Then, while waiting for an interview arrangement from the police force, to my delight, a letter of acceptance for PCP Nursing arrived. I was given the dateline of 16 December to submit the letter of acceptance.

Subsequently, I received an email from the police force on 12 December  and was scheduled for an interview on 14 December. The scheduled events were so close to one another. It dawned upon me that I had to decide by 16 December whether I wanted to join the police force or be enrolled in the PCP Nursing to study in preparation for the role of a Staff Nurse. Both offers have their own merits and challenges to consider and it was tough for me to discern between the two good choices.

I attended the police force interview on 14 December and similarly to the nursing interview, I found myself confident and answered the interviewer’s questions well enough. Through this period, I spoke to God in prayer and explained to Him the entire dilemma that I was facing. I prayed for the grace to surrender and follow whichever path God was calling me towards.

Once again, the writings of Saint Josemaría spoke to me and taught me a beautiful prayer when experiencing doubt. He wrote —

“You should repeat very often: Jesus, if ever a doubt creeps into my soul, setting up other noble ambitions in place of what You are asking of me, I tell you now that I prefer to follow You, no matter how much it costs. Do not leave me!”

Fourth sign

A few days before the decision day, I spoke to my brothers in Christ — Nick Chui and Dr. Chandra. Both are my good friends from the Catholic Theology Network. They prayed for me and offered me sound advice. Dr. Chandra placed himself in my shoes and suggested that he would prefer nursing compared to the police force because nursing enables one to work overseas.

Nick Chui gave his views in terms of career progression, education advancement, and salary, where he felt that nursing was more attractive as caring for the sick and dying is a noble calling. In summary, their advice seemingly pointed towards nursing as one which offers a concrete path that I should pursue wholeheartedly.

Whereas on the other hand, I knew inside me that I would have preferred the police force over nursing, as displayed by the number of attempts I had at the admission process.

I had to come to terms with my personal challenge to stop obsessing over my initial preference of the police force over nursing. It would be a huge risk to swallow if I did not sign the letter of acceptance for PCP Nursing and continued waiting in vain for the police force application outcome.

There lay the possibility of another unsuccessful outcome from the police force and eventually I would be left with nothing and would regret not securing the initial offer by PCP Nursing. Nick Chui also provided a good analogy that in life, it is perfectly normal to obtain silver or bronze if one did not manage to achieve the gold.

After hearing their advice and on second thought, in a way, my prayers for an opportunity to upgrade both my career and education can be answered through the PCP Nursing Diploma program. This is because the PCP Nursing entails a fully sponsored Diploma from Nanyang Polytechnic, diverse opportunities in career development, noble work, and also an attractive salary.

In my dilemma and despair, my cries grew louder and it was there and then that God heard me. I wanted God to send a deliverer to rescue me from Egypt and lead me to the promised land — a land of milk and honey. I have been a stranger wandering in a foreign land for some time. It was time for me to go home and seek my identity and self-worth.

Fifth sign

Before I signed the letter of acceptance for nursing, God gave me an opportunity to talk to a Catholic priest from the Carmelite religious order, Father Ferdinand Purnomo. We sat down and drank camomile tea while I listened to his sharing on some principles of discernment.

Father shared that discernment is a process of choosing between two or more good options. As people of faith, we should have a deep relationship with God and realize His infinite love for us. To do God’s will, we must accept both the good and challenging aspects of the calling.

Jesus is our role model. He always pursues God’s will and knew that the Father’s will means eternal life. Jesus said,

I know that His commands mean eternal life.
~ John 12:50 (Jerusalem Bible)

At times, we may get suspicious of God’s intentions and think that He does not understand us or His will for us could harm us. If this is our ‘negative’ image of God, then we will not be able to embrace God’s will to the fullest.

We should instead look towards Jesus, in His willingness to carry the cross without any concern of preserving His life to meet His own selfish needs. And so, in our lives, we need to emulate the conviction Jesus had to pursue God’s will and rest our trust in Him.

Jesus was willing to embrace the cross. There is a part of us that wants to preserve ourselves. Jesus didn’t preserve His life. The Father’s will was for the Son to die on the cross:

“For this is how God loved the world: He gave his only Son so that everyone who believes in Him may not perish but may have eternal life.”
~ John 3:16 (Jerusalem Bible)

The Son was willing to die because He loves the Father. So what it means for us is that we must accept that God’s will is eternal life and we can trust in God. It is difficult, as Jesus showed in the Garden of Gethsemane:

Going on a little further he fell on his face and prayed.
‘My Father,’ he said, ‘if it is possible, let this cup pass me by.
Nevertheless, let it be as You, not I, would have it.’
~ Matthew 26:39 (Jerusalem Bible)

Nevertheless, Jesus embraced His cup willingly and was very obedient to the Father’s will. Jesus knew that the Father would not fail Him. Jesus knew before the crucifixion that He could subject Himself to the crucifixion, die, and live again. In His humanity, He submitted to the Father. In His divinity, He was equal to God.

In discernment, being open to God’s will is very much important. We can listen to God through many ways such as spiritual exercises like Ignatian spirituality, attending Mass to receive Holy Communion, reading the Bible using the Lectio Divina method, and seeking spiritual direction. It would be good to observe patterns and consistency in our spiritual life and journal them down and talk to a spiritual director.

When there is a conviction from within, it could also be a sign that this is what God’s will is for us. The conviction is enduring and doesn’t burn out. Our hearts are attracted to many things in life. We can apply the principles of consolation and desolation taught by Saint Ignatius of Loyola.

Consolation is where the heart is moved to love God, with a strengthening of the three theological virtues (faith, hope, and love), experiencing positive emotions, and being drawn closer to God.

Desolation is the opposite of consolation. It is when you experience distance from God, feel anger, hate, a weakening of faith, despair, confusion, darkness, and everything that pulls you away from God. All these are important indications to help discern whether your will is aligned to God’s will.

Father Ferdinand encouraged me to write down the experiences daily and review them. Would I grow in holiness in this path? I will know from the spiritual records of positive signs. Am I attracted to this way of life? Is it meaningful and life-giving? For example, in my situation, I pictured myself as a Staff Nurse to see if I could bring myself to handle the challenges required of me in this role. I had to remain in a state of tranquillity and apply reason and logic in weighing the advantages and disadvantages of the options.

Sixth sign

I went back to prayer and spoke to God in the silence of my heart. There were still some elements of uncertainty and I prayed humbly, asking for a little more assurance. A Catholic friend said something profound and beautiful. She said,

“Pray and ask God for the grace to be open to His will. Discernment is about God’s will for you. What do you feel more called towards? God always wants the best for you. God’s plans are always good. God will never lead you to something bad for you. Pray for the grace to embrace the difficult things in life just like Jesus did. It will give more meaning to the Cross you and I are called to carry every day. If you don’t pray for grace, you are not giving God an opportunity to work in your life.”

God helped me to arrive at certainty through a very good friend and mentor Fr Gerard Louis of the Redemptorist order. Fr Gerard highlighted that the next five years would require a surmountable effort; two full years of nursing studies and three years working in a hospital upon graduation. I prayed and asked God to give me signs if nursing is the path that He would like me to venture into. I still felt restless and uncertain.

After talking to Father Gerard, I received an email from the PCP Nursing administrators, who invited me to proceed for a medical check-up on 21st December 2020. This was the first step to signing the sponsorship bond and becoming fully immersed in the PCP Nursing Diploma program.

Seventh sign

A Catholic friend discovered that I registered for PCP Nursing and introduced me to a friend whom she knew was in the program. I prayed and thanked God for this networking opportunity. I introduced myself to the Staff Nurse and he shared his personal experiences working in the hospital and some challenges that arose from the academic aspect. To be honest, it can be a tall order and I have to work very hard and spend my time and money wisely on resources.

Above all, I believed my prayer life and relationship with God will help me in this apostolic work. Saint Josemaría wrote,

“Be convinced of this: your apostolate consists in spreading goodness, light, enthusiasm, generosity, a spirit of sacrifice, constancy in work, deep study, complete self-surrender, being up-to-date, cheerful and complete obedience to the Church, and perfect charity.”

In hindsight, as I connected the dots to every event that occurred during the discernment of my career choice, I could see how God was helping me through these people and displayed His power by turning circumstances that I thought were impossible (e.g., late submission for nursing application) into an opportunity. Indeed, Saint Teresa of Ávila was right when she wrote,

“The feeling remains that God is on the journey, too.”

All this time, God was with me, close to my heart, present by my side. Saint Josemaría is a powerful companion to me for the arduous journey that lies ahead. He wrote,

“Place on your desk, in your room, in your wallet… a picture of Our Lady, and look at it when you begin your work, while you are doing it, and when you finish it. She will obtain, I assure you!, the strength for you to turn your task into a loving dialogue with God.”

With this, I shall end my sharing on how I went from discerning the choices to placing my humble trust in God for the chosen path ahead of me. I pray that as you read this sharing, it will give you hope as you discern God’s will for your life. I would like to end this reflection with a quote from Saint Josemaría Escrivá:

If God’s Love has chosen you out and called you to follow Him, you have a duty to respond to Him… and it is also your duty, an equally serious duty, to lead and to contribute to the holiness and good progress of other men, your brothers.

That’s right! If God has chosen me to take the path of nursing, then I shall respond to that calling, take it upon my duty to follow Him, and serve my brothers and sisters in the healthcare institutes.

___

Photo: Jens Lelie, Unsplash / PD-US