Unexpected Surrender

I can still remember the sheer fear I experienced when I had to give up the doctor I had seen for my diabetes in Colorado. I had convinced myself that even though I was moving to the east coast, I would still be able to keep her as my doctor and schedule my visits with her when I would be visiting family in Denver.

This doctor had been so helpful to me when I was first diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My attachment to her was somewhat illogical, but she always made me feel better after my appointments. If my diabetes had remained undiagnosed for much longer, I would have died. In receiving the diagnosis of a chronic illness, I accepted a lie that I could no longer take care of myself and would therefore need to rely on medical providers the rest of my life.

When I decided to move to the east coast, I was not prepared or willing to give up the life I had in Colorado; I thought I could have both. As I slowly settled into my life in New York, however, it became increasingly obvious that this was impossible. Finding the courage to admit to my doctor in Denver that I needed to seek healthcare in New York was terrifying; it was like being taken off life support.

The next step was getting a new doctor on a par with my old doctor, which was impossible. My health insurance did not cover the doctors who were my first choices. In general, I discovered the doctors in New York went through appointments at a fast pace; they didn’t know me and didn’t want to really get to know me. They didn’t understand the special “quirks” I had developed in regard to the way diabetes affected me. I needed someone who would be willing to know me as a unique person, and not just another patient on the daily schedule.

In a beautiful and timely manner, the Lord stepped in and assumed the role of doctor. Even though I was unable to find reliable health coverage, I never went without my necessary medication and supplies. I was always able to obtain the particular insulin I required. In addition, whenever I had blood work done, everything continued to remain stable. God blessed me and showed me I did not need to be dependent on a doctor. He reminded me that He was in control and only He had the ability to determine whether I would live or die.

After my time in New York, I started moving around and my lack of stability made me essentially give up on finding consistent health care support. For the most part, this was enough to keep me from going without what I needed most to control my diabetes. What I didn’t realize was how much I was trying to avoid seeing a doctor. It became easier and easier to put off making an appointment, and the longer I did this, the greater the fear inside me grew. I was afraid of what a doctor would say about my condition when I finally saw one.

I now live in South Carolina and until this pandemic settles down, I will be there for awhile. The Lord has entered into my life once again and driven me to another act of surrender. It happened unexpectedly. He wanted me to surrender my fear of entering a doctor’s office. It wasn’t enough just to keep an appointment; He asked me to expose myself to these medical professionals completely.

I had been hiding my health issues for years, even when seeing my reliable doctor in Colorado, I kept certain problems concealed. For example, I had not had a period ever since my diagnosis, but I could never admit this out loud. Satan had embedded an indescribable terror of doing so in me.

God spoke: “No more!” As I surrender to Him, He reminds me of what true dependence on Him is like. When I released control of my life to Jesus, He made sure I was seen by the right doctors. He took my hand gently and led me to those who would take the time to listen to my story and accept me without judgment.

I saw an endocrinologist this past week and stayed true to the promise I made to my Lord. I told this medical professional everything about my condition, and came out of that appointment feeling my life had completely changed. This change was marked by a small sensor, a sensor that monitors my blood sugar continuously. I had known about this new technology, but feared it because getting one meant revealing details of my entire life to someone else, including all my secret habits that may not make sense to anyone, especially not a medical professional.

To my surprise, this total exposure was liberating. I no longer have to struggle to hide anything. I can be unapologetically myself. I am a child of God, and my personal life should not be kept secret. I am who I am because that is who God made me to be. My surrender to Jesus once more brought me into a closer, more intimate relationship with God. I have made the commitment to be true to Him, which means not withholding anything from Him or from the people He has placed in my life to help me.

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Originally published at Kitty in the City.
Photo: Ben White, Unsplash / PD-US