Testimony

The current state of this world has caused me to withdraw from it in many ways. The depression I struggled with off and on my entire life has threatened to consume it once again. I am grappling with questions I fear to ask. Was the wisdom I believed I would gain by moving away from home just a delusion?

Why would God work so hard to take me from my childhood home if I was only to return in less than 3 years? Why would He bring me to a place that would make me step backward not forward? What did I do wrong? I must have misinterpreted His message somehow.

These questions have filled my mind for the past months. Being in a state of quarantine is dangerous, especially for long periods of time. Left only with only my thoughts to keep me company, it is easy to let Satan influence them.

My weakest point comes at night when most of the world is sleeping, but Satan and his demons are wide awake and ready to draw out each of my insecurities that I have been fighting all day to suppress. By night, I have no more energy to fight the lies the demons whisper to me.

“Where is the Lord, your God now?” they cry, and I am defenseless, or so it seems. The truth is that the answers to those questions that plague me really have no relevance and are unimportant. They are all self-centered and self-indulgent. When I focus on myself, my mind is convinced that the superficial happiness found in this life will be ultimately what defines me. This is the lie! I gain nothing from this life; I am the person the Lord has created me to be, intended for eternal life with Him.

It is so easy to forget God’s promise to each of us as His children, this promise of an eternal existence in His kingdom. I fail to remember because I want happiness now, but that is nothing in comparison to the joy I will find in Heaven.

Why do so many saints give up their lives to do the Lord’s will? They have glimpsed the greatness of the Lord and fallen in love with Him. The Blessed Virgin Mary set the standard when the angel Gabriel appeared to her and asked her to be the mother of God. In that moment she gave up her life, and all the worldly happiness she might have had in it, in order to gain the joy of becoming the handmaiden of the Lord.

Even if I never make a name for myself, if I never get married and never receive love from a child of my own, or I never experience the feeling of happiness again for the rest of my earthly life, it will be sufficient to have said “yes” to the Lord. I have a room in the house of the Lord for all eternity.

Nothing in this world is worth more than the love my Heavenly Father can give me. “Behold, I am the handmaiden of the Lord, be it done unto me according to your will.”

This life is hard and I am bound to have trials every day, but the truth will always remain, and I want nothing less than the blessing of the Lord my God to sustain me. My answer to Him will consistently be “yes,” and this is my testimony.

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Originally published at Kitty in the City.
Photo: Hello I’m Nik 🎞 on Unsplash / PD-US