Soul Mate

I have embarked on a voyage of praying a 54-day Novena, and although this novena can be said for any intention a person might have in his or her heart, it is most commonly prayed for the intention of finding a future spouse.

During this journey of prayer, I have had several revelations from Mary, and many have not been what I expected. Ever since I was a little girl, I have longed to be married, even taking that desire a step further and wanting a fairytale wedding with a happily-ever-after future. I grew up watching Disney’s take on these classic fantasy stories and became a hopeless romantic.

I once heard a tale from Greek mythology that painted a beautiful picture of what a soulmate could be. According to this myth, in the beginning, everyone had two heads and four legs and four arms. Then Zeus threw down his thunderbolt and tore everyone in two. People were left feeling as though parts of themselves were missing and they were not completely whole. They spent their lives searching for their other half. When I heard that story, I was convinced I had a soulmate and until I found him, I would never be whole.

My life has transformed in many ways since childhood, and I am not the hopeless romantic I once was, but my desire for a soulmate remains constant. I have spent so much of my life fantasizing about my personal love story complete with the picture-perfect wedding and happily ever after that I lost sight of what the Lord was doing in my actual life.

Most of my twenties consisted of seeking to mold my life into what I wanted it to be. Everything was a struggle, and I faced more failures than I can count. This is because I was always fighting with God. He had a divine plan for me and wanted nothing more than to give it to me to fulfill, but I never agreed to it because I thought I knew better.

I will never forget the clarity I received when I finally gave up and gave in to the Lord’s will. For the first time I felt completely free; there is true freedom in surrendering your life to Jesus Christ. I discovered that by submitting my life to God, I received the gift of getting exactly what I had asked for. Throughout my life, my greatest fear was being trapped in a cage. By giving up my control, the Lord could promise me I would never be trapped because He would take care of everything.

Since I surrendered my life to the Lord, it is true I have received all I wanted, but He has provided for me in ways I could never have imagined. In my mind, I still believe I am missing the last piece of my heart’s desire. I have watched friends and family members find their respective spouses, get married and have children. Every time I learn of another friend getting married, I must admit my heart breaks a little and I return to the Lord and ask, “When will it be my turn?”

Through the grace of Mary and this 54-day Novena, I am finally able to recognize I do not want a soulmate; I do not want the happily-ever-after fairy tale. I am once again in a terrifying place where I must release my control and surrender it to Jesus. Letting go of my wish for a soulmate is scary — what if I am meant to be alone? Of course, the idea of being alone brings me to dark places, and therefore I trust those fears are not from the Lord, but lies presented by the enemy.

Jesus Christ has proven to me that He will always give me what I need, but in ways I would not be able to comprehend on my own, which is truly what makes life worth living. Mary helped me to recognize that if I had been given that marriage, family, house with the picket fence, I would be bored out of my mind! I would be bound to another human being; my life would be dependent on another person. What I used to see as a dream come true would have manifested into a nightmare on earth. Jesus has shown me I am not meant to be tied to another human, but to be bound to Him.

This is all well and good, I now know what I don’t want. I don’t want an easy life; I don’t want my story to end after marriage; I don’t want to be content or dependent on one person. I want someone to walk through life with me, but that will come with many hardships. I once believed life was supposed to get better after finding a mate, but now I know it will be quite the opposite.

The definition of soulmate implies that you are meant to be with that other. I want to find the person chosen to be with me. Life is not easy; I am working every day trying to reach Heaven (the ultimate happily-ever-after). Each day I wake up and must consciously choose God and commit to following Him. The person I spend my life with will do the same. In addition to choosing Jesus every day, we will have to choose each other. This will never be a simple choice to make.

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”
~ Matthew 7:13-14

After a life of fighting God for control over my love life, I finally got the message that I need to surrender it to Him. I am losing my happily ever after and getting my cross, but that is what I want, and more importantly, that is what I need.

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Originally published at Kitty in the City.
Photo: Beatriz Pérez Moya, Unsplash / PD-US