Lord Have Mercy

I cannot remember a time in my life when I felt fully comfortable in my own skin. Looking in a mirror, I see only the flaws in my body. By focusing on these flaws, I exaggerate them in my mind to the extent where I can see nothing else. My biggest fear is stepping on the scale. If I see even an ounce of extra weight, paranoia sets in and I believe everyone will notice this weight gain.

Only the grace of God kept me from developing an eating disorder, though I have come close. I have always had an appetite that urged me to keep eating. God has also given me a desire for children.

When I was first diagnosed with diabetes at eighteen, I had lost so much weight I could no longer have a monthly period. For years, I fought with my body, wanting to be skinny, but also longing for a period again. I continue to struggle to find balance in my life, figuring out the correct amount of exercise I should have and the appropriate amount of food I should eat. I also struggle with the Lord; I can trust Him with everything else in my life, but for some reason I fear releasing control of my weight to Him.

This past weekend was one of the darkest times in my life. I had become so uncomfortable in my skin I could barely breathe. In addition, my blood sugars were spiking to unhealthy levels. It seemed that no amount of insulin would bring them to a healthy level. I was completely powerless and terrified I had reached the point of no return. Somehow I had done so much harm to my body there was no way to fix it. Sunday night I broke down and cried. On my knees, I began to pray to the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus.

O my Jesus, You have said: “Truly I say to you, if you ask anything of the Father in my name, He will give it to you.”

In the name of Jesus Christ, I asked for a body that could function properly, a body I could see clearly and treat as a temple the Lord had created. I had nothing left except to surrender all of myself to Jesus and beg for His mercy.

There is no way I can be worthy of the love Jesus Christ has for me, but He loves me anyway, even when I am so broken, I am unfit to tie the sandals on His feet. The Lord is a merciful God, and He had mercy on me.

The next morning my blood sugars had miraculously returned to normal levels and they remained there the entire day, which had not happened for over a week. That afternoon, I attended daily Mass and after receiving the Eucharist, I once again prayed that the Holy Spirit would enter in and wipe away everything toxic I had allowed to take control within my body. That night, I discovered I had a period.

The only explanation for this is that my period came through the mercy of Jesus Christ. Although a woman’s period is often regarded as uncomfortable and even painful, I regard it as a beautiful miracle. It is physical evidence that my body is working as it is designed to; not only can my body sustain itself, but it can provide life for another. The desire to control my body is a difficult cross to bear, and it is a self-imposed cross, but I can endure it and even persevere carrying it through life, but only through the divine mercy of my Lord and Savior.

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Originally published at Kitty in the City.
Photo by Lukas Hartmann from Pexels / PD-US